Five Questions to Ask Before Leaving

The decision to leave a long relationship deserves more than the standard mental loop of "should I stay or should I go." A short, specific list of questions, asked seriously, is more useful than months of unstructured anguish.

Drawing on Ty Tashiro's research (*The Science of Happily Ever After*) and the broader clinical literature on relationship dissolution, five questions consistently emerge as the ones worth sitting with before any irreversible decision.

**1. What specifically am I leaving?**

Not generic dissatisfaction. Name the concrete things. Patterns of contempt? Active betrayal? Substance abuse without recovery? Emotional disengagement? Chronic incompatibility on a core life decision? Or: a slow erosion of warmth, accumulated unaddressed hurts, and a sense that something is missing that you can't quite name?

The first category points more clearly toward leaving. The second points more clearly toward repair-before-decision. Most people, asked specifically, can identify which category they're in.

**2. Have I done the actual work, or have I been waiting for the relationship to repair itself?**

The honest version of this question is: have I gone to couples therapy with a competent therapist? Have I read the work of the major clinicians (Gottman, Johnson, Perel) with genuine application? Have I addressed my own contribution to the patterns? Or have I been frustrated that things aren't getting better while not actually doing the things that produce improvement?

Leaving without having done the work means the next relationship is statistically likely to face the same patterns, because you're the constant.

**3. Is my partner capable and willing of doing their part?**

Some partners are incapable — severe untreated mental illness, active addiction, intimate partner violence patterns. In those cases, the question of "should you stay" usually has a clear answer that doesn't require this framework. Some partners are capable but unwilling — they refuse therapy, dismiss the problems, expect you to adapt. That's also clearer than it feels.

The hardest case is the partner who is capable and ambiguously willing — they say they want to work on it but don't actually do anything different. Discernment counseling, addressed elsewhere in this corpus, is designed for this case.

**4. What does my honest five-year forecast look like in each direction?**

Imagine yourself in five years if the relationship stays exactly as it is now. Notice your body's response. Then imagine yourself in five years separated, doing the actual work of single life. Notice your body's response. Most people, asked seriously, find that one of these images produces relief and the other produces dread. Listen to which is which.

This is not the only data point. But it's a data point that's often ignored because people assume they have to "think through" the decision rather than notice what they already know.

**5. Am I leaving to go toward something, or away from something?**

Both can be legitimate. Leaving to escape a relationship that is harming you is legitimate. Leaving because you've fantasized about being elsewhere and want to chase that fantasy is more fraught. Mavis Hetherington's longitudinal data on post-divorce outcomes is unkind to those who leave for fantasy rather than from honest assessment of irreparable damage.

**The use of this list**

These five questions are not a calculator. They don't produce a verdict. They produce clearer thinking. Sitting with each one for several days — writing about them, talking through them with a therapist or trusted friend who won't push you in either direction — usually produces a clearer state of mind than another month of churn.

The honest answer to all five questions is rarely "leave immediately" or "stay forever." It's usually: "I have specific work to do — either repair work or grief work — and I have not been doing it." That clarity is itself valuable.